Love, That's What You Remember

Lily’s soul departed from her body at 12:30 am Monday December 10^th.

We had spent the week prior at Ryan House, a wonderful place where the nurses made each day special and everyone was so incredibly kind to Lily.

Our fancy tea party lunch.

We had a lovely day that Sunday. We spent time together as a family and Lily, the nurses, and I painted rocks that day.

Lily painting a rock

Lily had lost the use of her legs and had numbness in her hands. Everything she did had become difficult, but she was so tough and determined that she wanted to paint rocks regardless. She had also started to sew a little cross stitch frog that she wanted to give to one of the ladies that worked at Ryan House.

That night, after saying goodnight to Grandma and Jacob and Daddy, she fell asleep.  A little later, I noticed that her breathing had become erratic so I tried waking her. When she wouldn’t wake up, I called the nurse who then called Phillip to come back.  I talked to Lily, and even though she wouldn’t fully wake up, I could tell she could hear me. I told her again how much I loved her and reminded her that she would always be in my heart.

Shortly after Phillip arrived, she slowly began to wake up saying, “I remember… I remember.” I asked her, “What do you remember?” and suddenly, she opened her eyes wide, sat up and said loudly, “Mom! I remember!” She was awake, but it was as if she were talking from the other side. Her eyes were open, but not fixed on anything.

She said, “Who do I love? Brandon and Lacey and Jon and Jen and Grandma and Noah and Kaylee and Shae; these are the people I love. Who else do I love? Grandma Janet and Poppa, I always loved Poppa. Who else? I love so many people, and so many people love me. Mom and Dad and Jacob and the nurses. The nurses here are so nice…”

She went on listing people that she loved, then talking about everything she liked. She liked holding daddy’s hand while they watched movies; she liked it when mom read to her. She listed favorite movies, favorite books. She talked about memories she had playing with friends. She said that she liked playing in the rain and talked about playing in the rain with her friend Noah.

She talked about how she realized that having and buying things isn’t what is important.

She had us laughing when she advised Phillip to never wear socks with his Birkenstocks.

She talked for so long about so many things that she loved and then at one point, she announced that she could feel her legs again. She said, “I can walk. I can do it!” She wanted the blankets off and her bed raised so that she could sit up straighter. She was so confident and insistent that she could walk that we believed that she could too- if not in this world, then in the next.

We asked her to just relax and lay back. She did and she soon fell back to sleep. Sitting by her side, Phillip bumped the bed. She woke up again, laughing. She chuckled, “I fell asleep…” and laughed some more. Then, she peacefully closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

And just like that—with her strong, beautiful, loving, funny personality coming through to the very end--she stopped breathing and left her body.  

Phillip and I pictured her, strong again, running through the stars, the wind blowing through her hair and laughing, joyously.

We both said thank you to her for what a gift she was to us while she was here.  My heart was so full of love and Lily and a feeling of absolute wonder. I kept saying, “It’s so perfect. She’s so perfect. Everything is just—perfect.” I can’t describe the feeling that I had; strangely, only that one word—perfect—seemed right.

I think that maybe it is because all is perfect, even when life seems its worst. I realized that we can’t always know why things happen the way they do, but that Lily is looking down from the stars and that she now knows, she now has the answers, and can see the utter perfection of it all.

To know this, and to know that she is at peace and so very free makes me happy even while I miss her so much.  I had previously told her that she would always be in my heart and of course she had wisely smiled and said, “I know.”

And she is in my heart. In the last couple days, every time I think, “She’s gone.” I stop and realize that she isn’t really gone. She is still with me and I am filled with so much love.

Last night, Phillip, Jacob and I sat out in the desert around a fire with some of our friends. They played music and we stared at the stars and before we left, we shouted, “We love you, Lily!” We felt her presence so strongly.  It was beautiful.

I know that we will always remember and carry her in our hearts and I also know (because she made sure to tell us so!) that she remembers us. It’s the little things in life that matter; all those little things that add up to make a life. They are the things that we take with us. The memories of those we love and all the loving experiences that we have had together.

We love you Lily!!